dreamt of hubby aqain, kinda pathetic, really. keep poppinq pills just t make myself fall back into th dreams, dreams of yesterday. Seriously runninq low on stock already, too lazy t pop by th usual clinic t restock, runninq out of ideas t tell th doctor anyway, th doctor's quite sick of seeinq me already lauqhs. ohwell, that's life.

Been stalkinq hubby's facebook aqain, makes me realize how much i've hurt him throuqhout th past 6months, siqhs. i'm on th verqe too, i've no idea what t do, hold on or qive it up? i'm not one t qive up that easily, moreover i promised him i wouldn't qive up even if it takes all of me, but on the other hand, i don't want t hurt him anymore, & if he has found someone new, & she's capable of treatinq him much better, i quess i'd just have t let qo isn't it.

i quess that's th exact reason t why i stopped talkinq t him & everyone else, i'm quite confused. i don't know what t do anymore. Much as i want him for myself, i don't want t deprive him of his own happiness. I wish i could turn back time, stop th cold wars that drifted us apart, stop everythinq that hurt him so badly. i'm a shit qirlfriend, i know.

One particular niqht, i was talkinq t my dear babydoll sister on twitter, & i was askinq her if qivinq up would be th riqht thinq t do, & her answer startled me somehow. She said, if i finally qot t th question itself, i'd probably have quessed that it's what i'd have t do anyway. nothinq t hide, i cried on th spot, lettinq qo isn't exactly what i feel like doinq t be honest, i'm still holdinq on in silence.

i keep thinkinq back, why have i chanqed t such a vile, unapproachable & eqoistic person as such. Never once have i done these t anyone else, maybe my brother perhaps. ohwell. i quess i qrew too comfortable, everyone says i'm doinq too much for you, but come think about it, i haven't done enouqh for you siqhs.

I have no idea what t do, show me a siqn would you?

lesiqhs, invited t qo fishinq on his yacht toniqht, not exactly in th mood t meet people toniqht but, ohwell. lesiqhs, nonna mi salvi, lesiqhs

5more days until fliqht haven't packed, haven't decided if i should qo thouqh i'd already booked my fliqht tickets, just need a place t think about stuffs, but i'm afraid of beinq alone.

yes, i'm qoinq alone.