♥ Monday, February 20
me thinks me qonna quit everythinq so that i'd have sufficient time for hubby & education works, me thinks that me's not qonna answer any more calls for callback help issues, no more time for this, i know it's been about eiqht months since i joined you all but me thinks, me qotta quit already cause me thinks me hubby more important, me sorry if me let you all down, me wants you t know that me qrateful mak for everythinq, th sheltherinq of a lil qirl at 16, me needs t qrow up instead of relyinq on brothers, me thinks of hubby all th time naozxc, me sorry.
quess i'll just bloq this before i start on th tremendous amount of work i've qot t finish before i visit school tomorrow, it's been exactly a week since i last stepped into th threshold of the school compounds, attendance has been horribly bad.
woke up pretty late, miqraine's back somehow, no idea why either siqhs. woke up from a niqhtmare, a horrendously terrifyinq one, somethinq i'd never experienced before.
We were slackinq around Juronq area, settlinq some stuffs in one of th forests, or a lookalike at least, me with my qroup & th opposition party on th other side, a thin line which differentiates our sides. I was on th phone with Boyf, tellinq him i had t finish this up before i'm free for life, told him t take care & i'll be back in an hour, his voice at th other end soothed my nerves, even if it was just a dream.
Beinq me, like meme, I'd my usual aluminium baseball bat tucked somewhere nearby, hidden from th opposition's view, everyone else had their usual stuffies, but it was supposed t be a peace treaty of some sort. I was wearinq th usual set, spaqhetti top, mini shorts & a leather mini jacket with blades tucked in th interior, & Boyf's bracelet.
I was whatsappinq Boyf when i realized that th scenario had chanqed, opposition chionqed in our direction -.- & i dropped my phone in self defense, considerinq th fucker who was runninq at me with a paranq, i didn't have time t pick my phone up. Thinqs qot rouqh, i was knocked out by someone from behind halfway throuqh, i fainted after a few blows t my skull, which probably explains why i woke up with a terrible miqraine.
I woke up from th knockout hours later, th sky had darkened a hell lot, i was in th same area, but a different spot. Thinqs had chanqed, i felt weird, my qroup was qone, I was with another quy from my side and some of th other side. They seemed t be talkinq about th situation in a rouqh way, i searched aimlessly for my phone, I needed t qet back t my Boyf, i needed to, i couldn't let him worry, but it was nowhere to be found.
okay, i don't remember what happened next but it's somethinq t do with sacrificinq somethinq for somethinq & i think i was forced t do somethinq but i don't remember what, but i was shipped t somewhere else with th rest of th opposition t do somethinq. I think so, or somethinq like that siqhs. i saw Boyf at th scene in th end, somehow he was made t watch me qet tortured, th look in his eyes, I woke up before they plunqed a knife into my stomach, dramatic, i know riqht. so real a dream, it scares me ohsomuch
Siqhs, i miss hubby, i don't even know why i'm callinq hubby. siqhs, hubby hubby where are you, I miss you so much
♥ Sunday, February 19
it's been a lonq day, slept riqht until eveninq. I woke up in tears, somethinq about my dream. Was rather affected by th dream but i quess it's just a dream. Stared at lappy for hours before realizinq that my paqe never moved, been starinq at homework, but i'm just not movinq. After hours, I realized i couldn't do this anymore, I started cryinq in desperation, whininq t qwennie on whatsapp. She told me t qo over, t just talk it out.
I quess part of it is th desperation t finish everythinq up just so I'd have enouqh time t accompany my Boyf, on th other hand, th lack of understandinq is qettinq from bad t worst, I've no idea how t do my work anymore. It's nothinq much, just need some mind fuckinq around here.
Went over t Gwennie's & talked everythinq out, she explained situations and all, tellinq me about people in her course, I appreciated it, and decided t ask for help from my TP lecturers. I fiqured they should know about it, eventually they'd find out anyway.
i miss Aloysius, so fuckinq much
i need him in my life, but..... `
schoolwork's startinq t take a toll on me `
it's a definate phail, but i'm tryinq... `
♥ Saturday, February 18
it's been a lonq niqht, i'm totally washed out from everythinq. I was supposed t collect items from various locations and supposed t send out parcels t other locations as well, Seranqoon, Anq Mo Kio, Houqanq, Tampines, Juronq & Town areas but i missed out a couple of them. At least i completed half of them, so stop screwinq me upside down, tired of this life.
Jocelyn Jieh & Eden kor picked me up from home, they brouqht me t Houqanq while i settled my stuffs & they had dinner. Jieh's dauqhter Nicole is really beautiful, cominq from me, that's like really beautiful considerinq that i don't really qive compliments. They drove over t Sinqapore Flyer after awhile, & i couldn't stop thinkinq about hubby all th way t th top. Eden kor told me t make a wish a very hiqhest peak, & you quessed it; my wish. It wasn't as fun as i expected, probably because Boyf wasn't there.
Went over t town area t continue my shits before meetinq up w Winnie qirl, she was at Buqis & beinq nearby, i thouqht i'd just meet up with her so we could qo t Anq Mo Kio toqether, didn't expect t see Boyf smokinq at th usual smokinq area we always smoked at. Surprise, surprise. Had th Seranqoon area cancelled & went over for dinner w Boyf & Winnie & Daniel & Aileen & Boyf's bestie. Didn't really have th appetite t eat anymore but, ohwell.
Boyf went up for awhile before cominq down, talked t Winnie&Aileen about their qirly issues, qirls talk. I mean, it's better t start off knowinq how cruel th world is at fifteen, than eiqhteen. True enouqh? Had a few private talks with them before Jieh came back t find me, talked t her about her stuffs & issues & they left after awhile.
Winnie & co left after awhile, leavinq me with Boyf & biqbro. Talked until five plus six, sent Boyf t th lift & we went home. I miss him so much, it feels different, but i quess everythinq takes time, & only time will tell. As promised, I'd try my very best t make thinqs work out.
♥ Friday, February 17
Seventeenth February Twenty Twelve `
Woke up early in th morninq t read some upsettinq messaqes from Jieh, Jocelyn Jieh told me that we're not qonna qo over t CCK today & that she's cancellinq everythinq for th next few days. So i went back t sleep, beinq rather qrateful for th extra few hours of shuteye.
Plans beinq cancelled, naturally i slept overshot as per normal, wakinq up around six t continue my homework. but i went back t bed anyway, whats with my vajayjay pukinq blood faster than kinder buenos been made.
I wasted another day. A day without you is a day wasted .
♥ Thursday, February 16
th smile will never reach my eyes without you,
a simple smile, which doesn't show happiness `
was feelinq rather upset today. Met up w Wilberlyn mum, was planninq t have a short qetaway t Malaysia, so i prepared everythinq & Mum said she couldn't qo at th end. So we went t Woodlands t qrab Swensons. She wanted t qet some formal dress shirts but she didn't know where t qet them so i suqqested lookinq around.
was feelinq rather upset today. Met up w Wilberlyn mum, was planninq t have a short qetaway t Malaysia, so i prepared everythinq & Mum said she couldn't qo at th end. So we went t Woodlands t qrab Swensons. She wanted t qet some formal dress shirts but she didn't know where t qet them so i suqqested lookinq around.
Went over t far east plaza after lunch, & qrabbed some boxers for Boyf while Wilberlyn looked at shoes, Just missinq hubby too much. It seems like just yesterday that we were chillinq at th pool by Limo's condo, just keep thinkinq of him, his face keeps appearinq whenever i close my eyes, someone whom sacrificed so much for a lil qirl who knows nothinq about love.
Walked around Raffles place while searchinq for her dress shirts, nothinq interested me anyway, th tubes sucked and i kept havinq t urqe t smoke but she didn't allow me t smoke ;( but it's okay. She felt tired and i told her i'd t qo over t buqis t collect stuffs and she went home.
Met up w Winnie after i went back t tamp, i told her th wronq address, i meant 272 but i told her 227 & she actually walked over, quiltymuch. lil brother joined us after awhile. chilled until 5, sent them all home and went back home, thinkinq about hubby. it's been exactly 4days since i last saw th one man that i'm so in love with.
As i traced back th steps we once held hands & walked aimlessly, i started t think about how sincere his love once was, his few words held so much promise, stuff that i took for qranted. I never thouqht I'd fall this deep for anyone, but i did, and i hardly showed him how much i really loved him, I was afraid of fallinq too deep, but i fell hard this time.
I remember complaininq a hell lot t him and whininq, whininq about my lil brother, about friends who showed no concern about my well beinq, people whom i sheltered w protection and care, but never qotten th returns. He would listen in silence, never rebuttinq w crude comments, he'd always comfort me in a way that no one else could, he'd hold my hand & listen in silence, never once complaininq about his own hectic life. What's th life of a little qirl t a qrown up man who has seen th world. Back then, I was selfish, i never bothered askinq about his life and wellbeinq. I took it for qranted, because he qave it all so easily.
I remember before we dated, hubby would just meet up w me late at niqht, i never knew why but he never broke his promises t accompany me. At that point in time, I had th tendency t qo skinny dippinq with th qirls but it was really just dippinq when everyone else came, haha. We would just complain t each other about men and how worthless they were, hubby would just sit by th pool and smoke in silence, he never touched our alcohol, just ciqarettes, somethinq i admired about him. He would watch us as we attempted t do stupid stuff like drowninq ourselves which never worked, or pushinq lil brother into th pool. It was childish but he didn't scold us, he even helped us t push lil brother in with his full set of clothes on. Hubby's love for me was visible when one looked into his eyes, his silent love, t sacrifice niqhts of sleep, just t watch a little qirl soak herself t th state of a wrinkled pickle. I would look at him w puppy eyes, and try t smoke his ciqarettes, which he'd hold t my wet lips, just so i wouldn't qet th ciqarette wet. I'd huq his lower calf & trace my finqernails over th lininq of his tattoos and ask him about them, which he'd just smile serenely and he even pulled th chair over t th edqe of th pool just so we'd be closer t each other. He'd leave early in th morninq t qo home & chanqe & qo t camp. It continued for a few niqhts while Limo was suicidal, I'd always feel a tinqe of sadness when he left, it felt like somethinq, love, maybe.
We qot closer as th days passed & soon enouqh, I'd just bunk in with hubby & we'd huq each other t bed. We'd always spend th niqht talkinq & huqqinq each other. He knew i was really afraid of tickles & he'd make me squirm while he tickled me. We'd just talk until dayliqht, & he'd tell me he's qonna pop by th nearest hospital t qrab an MC just so he could accompany me throuqhout th day, for i was in th midst of havinq a vacation break & he was too lazy t qo back t camp thouqh i know, deep down he just wanted t accompany me or I'd be really lonely. I loved sittinq on his lap while he surfed th internet for sonqs & videos, I found it really funny when he started sinqinq t me & I just lauqhed, probably because I had a really bad understandinq of chinese & I'd just smile while watchinq him. It was adorable, at twentyone, sinqinq t his qirlf of a month, some really sad sonqs. I'd huq him & ask him what they meant, and th meaninqs thouqh most of th time he'd just iqnore me & continue sinqinq. I'd qive up sittinq on his lap after awhile & lie on th bed, fallinq asleep. Hubby'd then off th liqhts, & huq me t bed, I'd wake up somehow, & huq him tiqht because it felt riqht. It felt riqht t just huq him, th warmth and comfort he provided was somethinq i never once had in my life before -ohqodthtearsarehere,Imisshubbysomuch-
We fouqht after awhile, I cried for days, Yana qirlf & everyone else visited me, huqqed me and all, but it never felt th same as what hubby had qiven me. Th emptiness enqulfed me, but we qot over it after awhile, hubby never told me what i'd done wronq. qwennie told me some people did it because they didn't want t hurt me, they'd bottle it up themselves and all. I was hurt but neverthless i never stopped lovinq him. We qot toqether after awhile, and one day hubby just disappeared. Hubby's friends started t look for me one by one, textinq, callinq & facebook messaqinqs. I thouqht it was weird, his line was off and no one seemed t be able t track his location. I sent my search parties out all over Sinqapore, & realized his last location was houqanq, so i duq further & realized there was screeninqs around th area he was last at, concludinq that he miqht have been cauqht for breachinq probation or whatever. Reasons were made clear when i called th deeper parties t track out which station he was at, i found out, but i couldn't track which bloody officer he was under, considerinq that i have contacts deep into th police forces, i tried t actually find out which fucker took him in and wanted t qet him released but it was late. I held onto my phone while waitinq for th parties t qet back t me t find out his situation, i knew hubby hated such stuffs. I had school th next day, and was rushinq an assiqnment when hubby called, i knew it was hubby before he called, i sensed his presence, but i answered normally anyway. -lauqhs- it was him, but by then i'd already found out his exact location and reasons for beinq locked in but i listened anyway. qot someone t bail him out & went over t th station, when he qot out, i listened t his stories and didn't want t let qo of his hand, i held on as we walked, even as he talked t his friends on th phone, i just didn't want t let qo, holdinq on so tiqht, i'd told my lecturer i was at th station already, but hubby wanted me t qo back t school so i did ;( it was raininq, hubby sent me there & he went home, i missed him terribly by then. I didn't want t let him qo ever aqain, i was afraid of losinq him. We qot closer & closer, spendinq about 4-5days of th week toqether.
Hubby m0ved house really soon, i packed his stuff for him and we left, sadly. I was depressed, here's th one house hubby took care of me, th memories, th red mini briefs which i was so found of, th toilet where we'd bath toqether, always endinq up w me huqqinq him half th time we spent in there, i'd never forqet his words in chinese " you huq me then how i bath " then i'd just smile happily & say don't bath, just huq til sleep in here. " The first meal hubby cooked for me when he ran out of qas, usinq th microwave, & i told him sadly "th first meal my Boyf cook for me" he watched me as i ate, and i fed him th bar chor. It was everythinq i really wanted, a man t just love me, even if it was simple, i loved it. I never really liked qifts, i enjoyed takinq stuff that my lover used, it was like takinq a part of him alonq w me, just like th doqqy keychain w diamonds he qave me, i love it, so much. He left t Kembanqan really soon after. I missed huqqinq him t bed, never once in my life did i feel so secure with anyone.
Mum soon realized that i was w this AKS, but surprisinqly she didn't mind, she was happy for me, I'd move clothes over & often buy tidbits t share w hubby. After each quarrel, we qot closer, i loved him more, each quarrel made me realize how much i needed him in my life. We had a fiqht, over th same issue, i was hurt, i just wanted his attention and nothinq more, i didn't know how selfish i was, -more tears- , we broke up for th first time in our relationship, I didn't want it t be as such, but he took it that way, he told my brother that he'd send everythinq back, i cried. but i quess th most hurtinq part was when he told my brother he wasn't qonna ride anymore because th only reason he bouqht th bike was because I travelled t a larqe extent at a very scary rate, i cabbed everywhere i went and he bouqht th bike for my sake, so i wouldn't have t keep cabbinq over. biqbro showed me th messaqe & i couldn't stop cryinq. I was fine with just BMWinq all th way t town, but hubby did it for me, he had even asked me which bike was nicer while at Yishun, i took it all for qranted. It made me realize that i should never have spited him w jealousy, i knew it hurt, but i was that iqnorant lil bitch who never cared about other's feelinqs. We patched after a rouqh niqht while i was writinq a story for my final assiqnment, i wrote about my life from a stranqer's point of view, hubby's view t be perfect. I spent th niqht below my block, cryinq while writinq for my finals. I spent th niqht talkinq t Boyf, he was so hurt, just readinq his texts made me hurt so badly i couldn't stop th tears. Th story ended w, "Written with love, sincerely, Lori " i printed & submitted it t th lecturer.
We qot closer after th incident, i spent niqhts at his house, because i didn't want him t feel lonely, perhaps a lil too much. Hubby had this one thinq which i enjoyed so much. He'd kiss me on th cheek before he left, he'd pull th blankets up while i slept, i felt it in my sleep, th liqht kiss, th silent closinq of th door, th emptiness after he left. I loved every sinqle part of it. I miss him, th kisses, th huqs where he'd hold me so tiqht t prevent me from runninq, th love he showed, th stuff he bouqht for me, th hurt in his eyes each time i hurt him, th silent tears and th way he tried t hide it, i love him so much.
We fouqht about a week aqo, because I'd expected much more, i was upset. I shouldn't have been. It's been cold, silent & extremely lonely. It was on my part that he felt so bottled up. He was on th verqe of qivinq up, i spent a few hours a day waitinq for him. It must have been irritatinq, havinq your qirlf doinq all these shit for you, sayinq all these stuff t you.
I quess i was on th verqe of qivinq up too, 2 days before Valentines, but i thouqht, qive it one more shot, he's worth it. So i was stalkinq him on twitter as usual, & i saw that he was hunqry, but he was sick of eatinq th meesua below his house, so i went over t kovan as quick as i could & dapao-ed his favourite laksa, alonq w th lonq stemmed red rose & letters i took them over t his place. I fiqured he already ate, but i left them all on a chair outside his home. I fiqured he wouldn't want t see me anyway, so i left in tears. Gwenny's bro had invited me over for pancakes, but i never qot th chance t eat those pancakes anyway
qwenny talked t me about holdinq on stronq, as i always was, never qivinq up. & hubby texted me halfway, i was so excited i plucked out all th nails from th board we sat on. I went over t meet hubby, but he slept, so i packed his stuffs for him and carried them over th next day. We haven't met up since, it's killinq me, i haven't done work for school in a week. Everyday I'd just stay home or be at tamp, waitinq for him. It's not that i stopped carinq, but I've no idea how t continue doinq all these for him. I can;t just do all these for him nw that he's stayinq w this lady who takes care of him. He must have been busy, qettinq used t th new area, at least he has friends who can accompany him while he's bored.
So many thinqs on my mind I've yet t tell hubby. I just hope he's happy in his new area, i'm not used t sleepinq alone, i'm not used t talkinq t just friends, i've always enjoyed his views, wideninq my narrow horizon. i miss him, so much, maybe he doens't feel th same way about me as before, but i don't, it's qettinq stronqer, but it doesn't feel th same as before, it's different.
I wish i was prettier, skinnier & et cetera, maybe it'd be easier for him t love me. Siqhs. i don't know, we don't talk as much as before, we dont seem t be....... i don't want t qive up, siqhs. Daddy asked Boyf t move in, I'd love that, but i don't know if he would. I just wish we could qo back t December and start all over aqain, I'd chanqe, for th better, I'd be everythinq he wanted, needed, i just hate myself, worryinq over thinqs that didn't exist. But one thinq i'm still holdinq onto, 17.11.2011 i can't promise you that i'll love you forever but i promise you that i'll love you for as lonq as i can. forever is too lonq a time t decipher & i don't want t make broken promises t you so i'll just promise you this ♥ "
Siqhs i'm qoinq back t bed, havinq a major headache here from bloqqinq `
♥ Tuesday, February 14
Happy Valentine's Day hubby, i love you so much
Everythinq we ever had, i'll never forqet `
th littlest thinqs you've done for me `
Even if it took me five months t realize `
I just want you t know `
You mean th world t me, & no one can take that away
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It finally occured t me that perhaps Valentine's is nothinq at all, if one only loves his or her partner on Valentines, it's not qonna be real love ain't it so. But no matter what, I'd stay loyal t him anyway. Proud t say i rejected 5 dates toniqht (; In th hope that perhaps Hubby'd brinq me out, but he's qotta reportinq all th way t Redhill, he's qonna be tired so i quess i'm qonna be home until qwenny reaches home & i'm qonna pop over t say hi (;
Spent th niqht talkinq t qwenny & talkinq about people et cetera, it seemed like eons aqo that we last bitched about stuffs, she's riqht, no matter what, stay loyal because that's how love is. Cabbed home after awhile, this particular man w red eyes has been hauntinq me for days below my block, i saw him a few times throuqh reflections, but when i turn around, he's qone, i'm quite afraid, hubby's not here t protect me anymore ;( so imma close my eyes and walk.
Home & bed, i love you hubby, i miss you so much
♥ Monday, February 13
I've been readinq Boyf's bloq for th past 3hours, readinq his posts and tryinq t understand how he's feelinq and how he felt about thinqs back then. I realized how much he loved me at th start of our relationship, how much he sacrificed & how much he was willinq t do for me back then. I'm startinq t tear in class, but i won't let th tears fall.
From th start of our relationship, times were touqh, we were happy, but certain aspects led us t heartbreaks and days of suppressed loneliness. I quess it's probably because we started out as friends who talked on a bluemoon basis. Perhaps we should have started off as friends before qettinq toqether, perhaps you'd have understood me better, & vice versa.
You were there for me when i needed someone, you watched me overniqht & you bothered t accompany me for days despite havinq probation, & i found it heartwarminq, someone who's willinq t just sit below my house for hours just listeninq t my whininqs and all. You picked me up when i fell, & i'll always remember your words th niqht we sat below at th senior citizens corner, " because i know you're a qood qirlf, and will be " I remember, i hope no one walks in on me while i'm cryinq & typinq this post, but bloqqer seems t be th only way i can express myself t a maximum extent.
i took everythinq for qranted, only t realize that 5 months has passed, just like that. I assumed i was doinq everythinq i could for you, but now i realized, I could've done more, for everythinq you have done for me, & written for me, I'm eternally qrateful t you, for th love & expression you've shown. Even if it was words i took for qranted before, i just want you t know, that even as i sit alone here siphoninq th memories from your bloq, i feel you, i feel your love from months aqo ohsostronq&real. & I realize, how much thinqs have chanqed around here. I seem t have chanqed in terms of personality too, I thouqht it was for th better, but now I realized how bitchy I've become, i shouldn't be like that, I wasn't like that before, what happened, Siqhs. I don't know, but i'm really afraid.
I enjoyed th words you wrote for me, savourinq every sinqle word from your bloq, reminiscinq th pieces one by one, qood or bad, you stood by me without a word of complain, bottlinq everythinq up t yourself, it must have been miserable with such a qirlfriend, i'm sorry, i really didn't realize, i hate myself so much riqht now i feel like flinqinq myself off th hiqhest peak of th hiqhest cliff. I hurt th only person who loved me, th only person in th entire world who would do such crap for me, i am sorry dear.
Every sinqle bit, th lyrics, th words, th love, th expressions of love. Tears fall each time i think back. It must have been really touqh, just havinq t accommodate my needs and rants, the life of a little qirl, How could i have been so selfish, no one else has done so much for me either, haven't I noticed? Must I only start thinkinq when I'm left alone, it's so selfish of you Lori, he deserves better, you hurt him enouqh & he's still holdinq on t whatever lil bit of love he has for you left. He forqave you time after time & you never learnt. You could've explained all th situations t him instead of leadinq your relationship into misunderstandinqs after misunderstandinqs, it's not a qame.
I quess Aloy is th first man whom i've really considered settlinq down with, but after all that has happened, he miqht have qiven up on me already. Dreams & hopes dashed, one can only hope. I miss him so much, it's been so lonq since we really held each other close, since he huqqed me t bed, since we held hands tiqhtly, since we......... last huqqed each other. Schoolwork, th Army & viruses took our time away
♥ Sunday, February 12
12th February 2012
i know i've been a really lousy qirlf, i'm probably one of th most childish qirls you will ever meet. i know it myself despite all th shit that people are sayinq t make me think otherwise, no doubt, i help you quys throuqh your relationships but that doesn't necessarily indicate my maturity level. When it comes t my own relationships, I have a really hard time fiqurinq out my own mistakes. I take forever t realize, but i will always make th effort t find out somehow, i'm not that qirl you people think i am, i'm flattered t be offered th thouqht even, that my maturity level far exceeds th level of most people my aqe. But i have t admit, that's not true, my words are just twisted in such a sense that most people believe that my loqic is over my aqe. But that's lanquaqe isn't it.
Boyf's movinq over t AMK tomorrow, it's th last niqht i miqht be able t do somethinq for him. I read his twitter, he hasn't eaten in days and he's starvinq. He's sick of eatinq food that's sold below his apartment, i'm really hurt too but i quess i will have t do my part as a qirlf and qet him somethinq t eat, it's just somethinq i'm used t doinq & my responsibility t take care of him while i'm still able to.
I decided on somethinq he really liked t eat & wrote him two letters, just somethinq i always do for him at times, and a sinqle lonq stemmed red rose, which simply means " I Still Love You & I Always Will ", i don't know why i did it but i fiqured it'd be one of th best ways t let him know how i felt. Toqether with th chocolates i customized for him, i sent them over t his house, leavinq th stuffs on a chair just outside his house before leavinq, i didn't stay this time. I probably qot it in my mind that he didn't want t see me anymore, but i was willinq t do anythinq for him, even if it means qoinq t qet him stuffs and talkinq t him without replies, cheer him up when he's down, trust him, be there for him when he needs someone. I had no idea why, but tears just seemed t endlessly fall when i left, it felt like th end, th last time i would ever be able t do anythinq for this man whom i'm so in love with. It felt like nothinq i did was qoinq t make thinqs riqht. No matter how much i'm willinq t do, deep down, i felt him qivinq up on me already. It was freezinq cold, it was so lonely.
After i left, i decided t crash into qwenny's house and just rape her room, lie in her bed t feel th comfort of someone's love. Somethinq that miqht not happen t me aqain, it always feels comfortinq t just sit there and talk t her, just sit and just talk, nothinq else but just spill out all my emotions. But she wasn't home anyway so i spent th lonely minutes fuckinq her yoqaball, i miss Aloy, really, so much, more than words can ever say in this lifetime. Gwennie came back after awhile & i just complained t her, we went down t th usual place where i'm so famous for cryinq at in Punqqol. Started talkinq it all out while pluckinq th nails off th planks in th hope than i'd just drop three stories down & just die. She qave me th answers i needed, answers that no one else has qiven me yet. I just had t hear it from someone & she qave me th comfort of doinq so.
Halfway throuqh th tears, Boyf texted me and i just stoned there for five minutes, th first thinq i asked qwenny was "What, just, happened?" & i replied Boyf and all, he was happy for his dinner & i felt qlad too, beinq able t be th one t take care of his needs at th moment. Even if it's just dinner, it really means so much t me.
stayed with qwenny for abit listeninq t her family & relationship issues before qoinq home t pick up my lappy & meet Boyf.
i'm qrateful for everythinq i'm provided with from this one man, i love him enouqh t do so much, I've never sent anyone stuff like that before, nor have i ever written so many letters for someone, nor have i ever put in so much effort in anyone else
Been lyinq on bed for hours huqqinq 小竣, huqqinq him makes me less lonely, but my heart hurts more. started cryinq all over aqain, th pain from havinq t live without him. it's dayfour & i miss him more than i've ever had in my entire life. 小竣's head is wet from tears that flowed while i was sleepinq. i hope his fur doesn't drop ;'(
I've no idea how i'm qoinq t live. I don't want t qet used t this solidatory life. I'm just waitinq hopefully for him t pick me up once aqain, put me back on my feet et cetera.
- continue bloqqinq later hai.
I've no idea how i'm qoinq t live. I don't want t qet used t this solidatory life. I'm just waitinq hopefully for him t pick me up once aqain, put me back on my feet et cetera.
- continue bloqqinq later hai.
Day3
th third day that Boyf hasn't talked t me already. i'm feelinq quite empty, as if someone duq every orqan out & placed them infront of me. th third day that i haven't put a sinqle piece of solid food in my mouth. i'm lost without you.
i fiqured that i'd qo over in th morninq since it was already six plus seven when i reached home. Couldn't qet t sleep anyway. Bathed & chanqed & cabbed down t Kembanqan only t realize he wasnt home but i stayed anyway.
I left after five hours, he doesn't talk t me anyway and i know its irritatinq. so i thouqht i'd just leave him alone. Afterall, i'm not qoinq t be th one t make th final decision. I'd respect whatever he has t say.
Went t town t collect th items i ordered for Boyf for Valentines. Stayed for abit & cauqht up w Faith for a bit. She's facinq a hard time too. Stay stronq & follow your heart qirl, you'll make it throuqh.
Went home t bath & chanqe. & here I'm riqht now. Sittinq somewhere. typinq a bloqpost while wallowinq in sorrow. I'm broken t pieces, but that's okay. Just as lonq as he's happy w whatever he's doinq. I'm fine. Or at least, i will be.
Dear qod, show me th liqht once more. I'm down t th 4th pack of iceblast in twentyfour hours. I must say, it's th first time my body's capable of takinq in so much tabacco. Show me th path once more. I need a quide, a siqn. Somethinq t keep me qoinq on once more
th third day that Boyf hasn't talked t me already. i'm feelinq quite empty, as if someone duq every orqan out & placed them infront of me. th third day that i haven't put a sinqle piece of solid food in my mouth. i'm lost without you.
i fiqured that i'd qo over in th morninq since it was already six plus seven when i reached home. Couldn't qet t sleep anyway. Bathed & chanqed & cabbed down t Kembanqan only t realize he wasnt home but i stayed anyway.
I left after five hours, he doesn't talk t me anyway and i know its irritatinq. so i thouqht i'd just leave him alone. Afterall, i'm not qoinq t be th one t make th final decision. I'd respect whatever he has t say.
Went t town t collect th items i ordered for Boyf for Valentines. Stayed for abit & cauqht up w Faith for a bit. She's facinq a hard time too. Stay stronq & follow your heart qirl, you'll make it throuqh.
Went home t bath & chanqe. & here I'm riqht now. Sittinq somewhere. typinq a bloqpost while wallowinq in sorrow. I'm broken t pieces, but that's okay. Just as lonq as he's happy w whatever he's doinq. I'm fine. Or at least, i will be.
Dear qod, show me th liqht once more. I'm down t th 4th pack of iceblast in twentyfour hours. I must say, it's th first time my body's capable of takinq in so much tabacco. Show me th path once more. I need a quide, a siqn. Somethinq t keep me qoinq on once more
♥ Saturday, February 11
it's been a lonq day, currently 4;33am & i'm bloqqinq via iphone. everythinq seems t be peaceful riqht now while i sit beside bestie & just talk thinqs out.
Was planninq on qettinq boxers for Boyf before he was released from camp. Called attica & she aqreed t have a short trip t pennisula t have a look at th darth vader desiqns with me. couldn't find any other nice desiqns & just bouqht another piece she chose.
Was planninq t have a short walk & a couple of drinks before brinqinq Boyf's present t him. Attica wanted t qo t th Esplanade for a look at th arts. Kenji recoqnized me & Attica halfway & pulled us into his shop for tea. & since we were planninq for a couple of drinks before her next appointment, we followed him in.
Kenji served us tea & cookies which i'm sure Boyf would definately love since he enjoys drinkinq tea. Planninq t brinq him here someday (; Hopefully Valentine! I cant stop thinkinq of Boyf, i just miss him so badly recently.
Finished tea & left for Boyf's home. Wanted t surprise him since i've not been talkinq t him much due t sleep&schoolwork. I already feel as if i've neqlected him th past week. Especially th part where i slept for fifty hours straiqht, shouldve sent him a text t tell him how i'm doinq.
Boyf wasn't home, & I thouqht I'd just wait for him t return home. Met Momo halfway, she was havinq dinner w her family. Boyf wasn't back in four hours & Bestie asked me t qo over. & i really needed someone t talk t, so i went over.
Bestie's really understandinq. She listened t me & lectured me on not informinq my Boyf about my sickness & told me anyone'd rather qo out w friends than watch a sick bitch sleep for fifty hours. Bestie told me so much, thinqs that i've done & mistakes & why i shouldn't do it.
Biqbro joined us halfway. biqbro added in about me always sayinq i'm just an option. He told me that Boyf had talked t him about " don't treat someone as a priority when they only treat you as an option ". So i asked if i was an option, & he told me i should know myself from th way Boyf treats me. I then realized that Boyf has never treated me as an option, i really dont know why i felt so before. Probably unwanted insecurities. I felt happy & tweeted Boyf. But i hope he's home, safe&sound in his warm bed.
Boyf's movinq house aqain & i've no idea when i'll ever have th chance t huq him t bed alone aqain. i hope i can qo over tomorrow t enjoy th comforts of his warmth. But Boyf's been so busy, i shouldn't have asked him t take me t th movies, with all th packinq t be done.
I love you Aloy ♥ You're th only one in my mind, i'm sorry for writinq nonsense on twitter. Bestie has scolded me like hell already. I know now. I love you, & miss you so much.
Everyday i learn somethinq new. Today i learnt that i've t treasure you.
Was planninq on qettinq boxers for Boyf before he was released from camp. Called attica & she aqreed t have a short trip t pennisula t have a look at th darth vader desiqns with me. couldn't find any other nice desiqns & just bouqht another piece she chose.
Was planninq t have a short walk & a couple of drinks before brinqinq Boyf's present t him. Attica wanted t qo t th Esplanade for a look at th arts. Kenji recoqnized me & Attica halfway & pulled us into his shop for tea. & since we were planninq for a couple of drinks before her next appointment, we followed him in.
Kenji served us tea & cookies which i'm sure Boyf would definately love since he enjoys drinkinq tea. Planninq t brinq him here someday (; Hopefully Valentine! I cant stop thinkinq of Boyf, i just miss him so badly recently.
Finished tea & left for Boyf's home. Wanted t surprise him since i've not been talkinq t him much due t sleep&schoolwork. I already feel as if i've neqlected him th past week. Especially th part where i slept for fifty hours straiqht, shouldve sent him a text t tell him how i'm doinq.
Boyf wasn't home, & I thouqht I'd just wait for him t return home. Met Momo halfway, she was havinq dinner w her family. Boyf wasn't back in four hours & Bestie asked me t qo over. & i really needed someone t talk t, so i went over.
Bestie's really understandinq. She listened t me & lectured me on not informinq my Boyf about my sickness & told me anyone'd rather qo out w friends than watch a sick bitch sleep for fifty hours. Bestie told me so much, thinqs that i've done & mistakes & why i shouldn't do it.
Biqbro joined us halfway. biqbro added in about me always sayinq i'm just an option. He told me that Boyf had talked t him about " don't treat someone as a priority when they only treat you as an option ". So i asked if i was an option, & he told me i should know myself from th way Boyf treats me. I then realized that Boyf has never treated me as an option, i really dont know why i felt so before. Probably unwanted insecurities. I felt happy & tweeted Boyf. But i hope he's home, safe&sound in his warm bed.
Boyf's movinq house aqain & i've no idea when i'll ever have th chance t huq him t bed alone aqain. i hope i can qo over tomorrow t enjoy th comforts of his warmth. But Boyf's been so busy, i shouldn't have asked him t take me t th movies, with all th packinq t be done.
I love you Aloy ♥ You're th only one in my mind, i'm sorry for writinq nonsense on twitter. Bestie has scolded me like hell already. I know now. I love you, & miss you so much.
Everyday i learn somethinq new. Today i learnt that i've t treasure you.
♥ Friday, February 10
Just had th time of my life drawinq this bloody fucker, i'm qonna fly up th wall & topple over at th other side in five minutes. Couldn't manaqe t finish up 10new paqes for Rachna, she's qonna be pissed off. But hey, MC covers almost anythinq, true enouqh?
Gotta cheer myself up or my paqes would end up lookinq like this, seriously sickeninq as hell. qonna catch forty winks before class, pray that i pass this module, don't want t see her aqain. I can't stand people who smile while they qive lectures, it irks me somehow `
♥ Thursday, February 9
it's been more than twenty four hours since Boyf last talked t me, i won't deny how upset i am thouqh i understand he's probably tired from all this shitnoise i'm makinq riqht now. i'm barely healinq from this virus, haven't been t school since Monday, not that i'm not well enouqh t make it t school anyway.
Redid my portfolio t a hideous dullshit, but stil unable t complete th set of 30 A3 paqes by tomorrow, been rather lonely th past two niqhts, swallowed about 5sleepinq pills & 8painkillers toqether w a couple of anarex just last niqht alone. Couldn't qet t bed, kept thinkinq of Boyf & imaqininq him havinq th time of his life without me. Spammed more pills each time i woke up, just so lonely suddenly.
Me & my imaqination. -Siqhs- Can't help it if i'm so used t his company, havinq him on a daily basis without any other person interferinq & suddenly i'm all alone w my lappy typinq some nonsense t an almost dead bloq which only my best friend reads ;( I miss you so much Dear.
Been Lookinq throuqh my bloqposts, throuqh th happiness & sadness - kind of upset for past relationships, when i'm in a relationship, i always put a part of myself into it. & when it's qone, i feel th pain. I'm really hopinq this relationship could last for a few years, beyond that, i daren't think about it. One step at a time, thouqh i'd be really upset if my husband really puts $1 in th red packet.
Every friday, i'd sit in class thinkinq about what i could buy for Boyf for dinner, what t qet for him as a present since he seems t always briqhten up upon seeinq presents. I love my Boyf a hell lot, i think he's really adorable sometimes. I don't have t qive him presents, he diqs my baq when i'm asleep & self proclaims whatever he finds in there as his own. Thouqh i must admit he's rather smart, considerinq that i don't use much of th stuff that he's interested in thouqh i wanted th beats very much ;( he took it sneakily while in Malaysia. I love that smile he qives everytime he qets his hands on somethinq when i start wailinq.
I miss him, so much. But i can't stand th thouqht of him talkinq t qirls, selfish me. Sorry, i just don't share. Fiqht w me for it, or have it for free. i don't like cheap thinqs, I hope you don't cheat on me, because i don't want t qive up on you..... Anyone but you.
" Cheatinq can qo in many ways; Whether you hanq out Secretly, flirt or have sex with someone other than your loved one, it's considered cheatinq " Remember your words.
♥ Tuesday, February 7
Woke up t see Boyf on my lappy w his qames aqain. His phone's been rinqinq nonstop since morninq, can't say i'm not jealous. But i wasn't feelinq well enouqh t even ask him, rolled about his bed th entire niqht, just couldn't sleep. Or should i put it as tired as hell, but the pain in my ribs hurt enouqh t keep me awake th entire niqht. My ribs have been hurtinq th entire niqht despite not havinq injured them, or at least, from what i remember.
I tried t keep it t myself because i didn't want Aloy t worry about me, but th pain was excruciatinq t th extend i cried everytime i hit the particular ribs that seemed t be injured. I tried t qo back t bed, but th pain qot worse. i quess th worse part wasn't attemptinq t sleep, it was sneezinq. my upper orqans hit climax whenever i sneezed, like seriously.
Soon, Boyf decided that he's qonna qo meet his friend, i'm fine with it, but i'd really hoped that he'd just accompany me, it really did take some of th pain away, just him beinq there. But i quess he's probably sick & tired of seeinq me already. he left, i cried. I quess one of th reasons why i was so hurt was because he half-shouted at me when i asked him why he was meetinq his friend so suddenly, Men. You spare no thouqht for us women.
I went t th doctors myself after spamminq a few painkillers at once. Took 2 days MC & went back t bed thouqh i must say that i'm really disappointed. i know that he desires his own social life, i know he's probably havinq revenqe on me. But at least i made sure he was fine before i left each time.
I try so hard not t be jealous, i don't need solid concrete evidence t know what he's doinq outside or even who he's talkinq t. I qave him th privileqe t talk t anyone just as lonq as he doesn't cheat on me. Just as lonq as he showed he cared, but when was th last time you called? You do know i don't accept just anyone's phonecalls or messaqes. Other than my Bosses & people who may have urqent matters, i don't start conversations w people either. All for your fuckinq sake, i know you don't show jealousy but i can feel it from you at times & i chanqe for you. But it really hurts me when i know that other qirls have part of your spare time too, i know i'll never be pretty enouqh for you, its probably th reason why you're followinq all th chiobus on twitter eh. but i want you t understand somethinq. Put yourself in my shoes, how would you feel if i secretly talked t other men & texted them secretly when you're not around. You miqht say it's okay, but i don't believe you. One thinq's for sure, i have never cheated on you, don't count J. One day you will find out why, -lauqhs- but i quess, One day i'm qoinq t stop beinq jealous. & th day i stop beinq jealous would be th day that i qive up on you. It's because i'm still holdinq on stronq t a hope that you wouldn't do such nonsense behind my back. I know it's just my wishful thinkinq but i really just hope that you would just be proud of me as your qirlf. Sometimes i really wonder what you tell people when they question your relationship status, do you tell them you're sinqle? I hate th fact that you want t know more qirls, really, even if it's just friends. I'm beinq childish, but that's only because i love you. I would support you t be friends with these PLKS if i didn't love you, if you're not serious about this relationship, please leave. But if you choose t leave, i hope you understand every sinqle lil thinq i've ever done for you & ask yourself, do you even deserve all these.
♥ Monday, February 6
Had my portfolio done overniqht, but i'd only desiqned th front cover & Content paqe in time for the review. My awesome lecturer rejected it, no surprise. After so many hours of work spent on those 2 paqes, she rejected it, with a smile on her face.
Was feelinq nauseous even as i sit in class, had th stronq urqe t just puke my quts out at th system. Thank qod Boyf knows i'm qoinq over t his house after class, cabbed over t his house & droppeddead onto his bed, fell asleep within five minutes.
Boyf came home hours later, i was expectinq him t wake me up & sayanq me. Instead, he stripped & slept beside me, huqqed him & went back t bed.
♥ Friday, February 3
I still think i'm adorable, Trololololols pardon my thick hide
Wilberlyn Mummy brouqht me out for dinner even thouqh Boyf fed me already, she was in a bad mood & i'd promised her t qo over t JB for dinner w her. Mummy hates it when people put her aeroplane so i thouqht i'd just qo ahead w her. Mummy wanted t have Seoul qarden, for like 15bucks we had all th nonsense we wanted thouqh i wasn't exactly hunqry.
Mummy cooked for me & i just smiled cheekily when she asked me what i wanted. I wish Boyf was like that, but i'm quite happy w him like "That". Mummy cooked Coffeechicken for me & lots of nice soupy. Mummy me love you !
qot too lazy t take pictures halfway, can't believe we Nearly finished everythinq. Full as fuck, cabbed back t Sinqapore & Boyf fetched me from Buqis, sweet riqht. I love my Boyf, so fuckinq much
♥ Thursday, February 2
Second February Two Oh One Two `
Boyf's temperature has been risinq like his temper, that's a very bad example which i hope he doesn't see, & i doubt he still reads my bloq anyway (Y).
Been buyinq him some whiteflowerwater which doesn't seem t help, & he's been eatinq lesser than a child recently. Have no idea what t do about it, so i quess i'd just watch him at his home, & enjoy th comforts of his overheated body ^^
After a few days of complaininq about th ache, th heat & th shiverinqs, I decided t ask Mum t fetch him t th hospital for me. biqbro came in th end, fetchinq him t th nearest hospital CGH. Love was complaininq that it was qoinq t take forever, but hey, faster than Fuckwheels. We went out for a few smokes before Boyf completed his drip.
Boyf seemed t feel much better after th drip, & was even hunqry for once. He craved for pork porridqe so i told biqbro t drive us t 85 t have his porkporridqe. poor biqbro couldn't eat much junk, only pork & certain fishes. Ordered a stinqray for Boyf & satay for biqbro, as lonq as they're fine i'm happy (;
We went back t Boyf's house t sleep, so i could watch him overniqht as well (;
i swear i've qotten Boyf's virus, qonna have it charqe at me @ fullblast in a few days `
