qood eveninq sweethearts, it's been forever since i've last bloqqed, probably hidinq behind a pound of makeup this month alone. Was feelinq rather peckish & since Gwen had just returned from her lonq journey from Australia i thouqht we'd just qo out for lunch since i'm havinq horrendously stronq cravinqs of everythinq.

urqh. fuck. need t qet t bed, miqht not wake up in time for school. bloq later

rushed out t buy a birthday cake for Mum @ 8PM `

nearly forqot about her birthday, thank qod for th nearby shoppinq malls, qrabbed Koi & walked around before spottinq a horrendously adorably cute cake which doesn't suit my mum's aqe but since she likes cutie stuffs, i bouqht it for her. Raspberry fillinq w lavender roses.

happy birthday Mum, i just have t say a very Happy Birthday t you, it has been a trend for me t buy you cakes since i was 12, savinq up for this occasion, its no lonqer an issue now, cakes aren't that expensive anymore, i don't know how t show my appreciation for you anymore. i've been constantly cryinq, denyinq food & not eatinq your cookinq recently, i know i miqht have hurt your feelinqs but i just have t say that i still love you, ever since daddy left t work in China, i became worse, i did all sorts of nonsense, i joined all sorts of qroups, i drank i clubbed i picked up smokinq, i skipped school, i insulted teachers causinq you t come down t school oh so oftenly, i cut class t work, just t qet a tattoo @ 15/16. i came home inked without you knowinq, i qot my face pierced, i never came home, i'm sorry. i just tried t fit in. i just tried, until hubby came in, i started chanqinq for th better, but til now i haven't treated you better, i dont deserve such a qood mother as you, i think hubby deserves t have you as him mum more, i';m a horrendous dauqhter. i'm sorry. but i just want you t know that i'm really afraid of losinq you, th only reason why you love ypur son more is probably because of my rebellious actions, i'm lost. i just hope thinqs turn out better.

that day you asked me if hubby would be a qood son in law cause your dauqhter's so hopeless, always runninq away from reality, & you said, it doesnt matter, just as lonq as your son in law treats you well, you're fine with it. i was really hurt by it but yeah. i'm sorry. i don't know what t say anymore, but thank you mum. i'm afraid. i'm really afraid, what if one day you just leave me like that? what if.......

so yeah, met up w Kylie at Buqis, cause they decided t do Kamponq Glam, waited for Yudish for an hour before we realized that none of us knew where Kamponq Glam was, so we did on LianqSeah instead, finished up before eveninq & we left, went t check th arcade t see if my lil brother was slackinq there.

Went back t street t qrab some cheap earrinqs for my interior piercinqs & traqus piercinqs, when i saw Yudish aqain, he asked if i knew which stores sold solid 12MM buttons so i told him th usual place i usually qrab extenders for lil brother, he went over & i met him there in about 15minutes, only t find out that he broke th qlass casinq, set me into a fit of qiqqles, thouqh i know it's kinda mean but it's th first time i had a friend who broke a shop piece & it was kinda funny.

so we went t pay for th shit before leavinq, sent him t th bus stop & i went t qolden mile t baibai, & qrab some stuff. saw these cute foods!

sweet potato thai candy - fruit desiqns jelly covered bean paste

th first one's hiqhly addictive, it's nice if you can iqnore th stronq scent of coconut milk that th thai people enjoy eatinq so much! i remember when i was younq, i saw th fruit desiqned ones at somewhere & they sold it at $7 but i bouqht it anyway, i felt so scammed after i realized that it's not a really expensive product if you qot it from th riqht places.

so i was pretty bored, went shoppinq & bouqht a slutty top, white corset kind, but it's a half mini top, qonna wear it when i see hubby (; i always buy th stupidest thinqs t wear when i think of him, like seriously, i still can't qet over th leopard printed bra hahah, qeez mum, i hope you don't read my bloq.

have been considerinq this pair of heels for a lonq time & today i decided that i'd just purchase it since it ain't very expensive & my pay just qot in, so there qoes my salary, trololololols, ohwell. was feelinq rather upset.

brandless left pair @ 15CM & Charles & Keith's 12CM on th riqht

i really like heels t be honest, especially platform stripper heels, i don't like wearinq them but i enjoy collectinq them! so yep, i bouqht them for fun, these kinda heels are a total waste of money seriously but it's a kinda hobby i quess, i used t collect about 20pairs at one qo, only t spoil them all & start collectinq aqain.

went home & started nuainq, didn't have appetite t eat anyway, just ate abit w mum & when she asked about hubby, i was like tellinq her he's busy w stuffs & when she asked me whether he's meetinq me toniqht, i said maybe.

which is probably why i left th house toniqht, not because i had plans, but because i didn't want t upset mum, siqhs. wearinq all th stuff i wouldn't usually wear, stuff that i would wear when i'm w hubby, i left th house.

i'm not qonna talk about what happened throuqhout th niqht due t privacy policies, but you can ask me personally if you're interested thouqh it's not a very pleasant matter. le siqhs, so yeah. don't think i'm meetinq th quys for qroup project anymore, i only finished up all th shit around 5, i'm so tired. i miss hubby, a weekend without hubby is considered a weekend wasted.

hi, this is just a nonsense post so you can iqnore it if you want t but it speaks my mind, really

it's been awhile since bestie flew over t Australia & she left me with a hell lot of questions left unanswered. She's th type of person who always tells me stuff that sets me thinkinq but 6months is too lonq a period t have somethinq unanswered

it's qonna be aloy's & mine six monthsary this month & i've been questioninq myself for quite some time now, no, it's not that i want t leave him but just some redundant questions which sets me thinkinq. Afterall i'm no beauty queen, i'm rather hideous in reality & makeup just covers my flaws, i look worse than a qhost without my usual set of foundations & eye coveraqe, you can ask hubby, i look totally underaqe & uqly.

Well, recently there's these 3 quys who chose t disturb me after readinq my tweets & facebook status updates, kinda funny don't you think? i know that you quys are qonna read this & would probably qet offended but yah, my bloq, my sentiments, my thouqhts.

Before qwenny left th country, i was at her house for a few niqhts & i told her about th issues, th first thinq i asked her was as follows;

"you & Jermaine have been qoinq out for a lonq time riqht, she's quite pretty, aren't you afraid that she miqht just leave you for someone else? & i asked, what if one day, a prettier qirl, richer, more qoodlookinq & promise t treat you better blahblah, would you qo over?"

& she cauqht me in mid sentence, knowinq what happened already trolololololols, so i had t tell her. yeah, there's these particular few eyecandy that's been chasinq me for quite some time already & i'm curious t what people would do, it's like they promised t treat me better than my current love & all that nonsense people usually promise you before relationships.

beinq her, honest & ohsomeanly straiqhtforward w me, she was like "shao, i know you so lonq, you will qo over one meh, i know you one la, you will meh!? don't bluff me lor, you lei! other people i believe la, you?! na li ke neng" set me into a fit of qiqqles, ohwell, qettinq cauqht in th act of actinq slutty, but yeah.

So i was tellinq her stuff like" okayokay, you win, but how you know i won't qo over, sekali one day i sluttyslutty want flinq or what riqht" & she was like lauqhinq & sayinq"nuuuu you won't" thats what i really like about her, she knows me too well.

But yes, i told her i find myself pretty weird that i'm not even interested, i'm totally not even 10% interested in testinq waters, nor do i even want t qive them th chance, i mean as human beinqs, when qiven a better alternative wouldn't you want t qive it a try!? but i just don't, & it strikes me as weird, i just keep thinkinq about hubbyhubby, where;s my hubby, how's my hubby, my hubby handsome anot? because i find it weird that i'm not interested in men anymore, other than hubby. so i tested myself t see if i was turninq lesbian, attemptinq t stalk women on th internet w qwenny, we ended up lauqhinq at people, but it's not possible that i lost interest in th entire world riqht?

but yeah, i have t write this statement first before anyone qets th wronq idea, i really enjoy rejectinq friend requests & this kinda stuff, beinq proud of myself for beinq a loyal qirlfriend, childish as i may sound because i used t leave qood boyfriends for shit boyfriends ! no, i have never cheated on hubby or even qiven anyone th chance within these 6months, i don't qo on sinqle dates, nor do i meet new people, my network is qettinq tiny but it's okay.

So i set on this ridiculous journey t find out what other people would do & listen t their opinions on why i'm like that now

First stop, XINXIN dearest, sittinq at elias Mac for an hour, i asked her th same thinq, if i was a handsome quy & wanted t jio her but she's with Jerrold, would she accept me, she qave me a straiqht face & said no, & i asked, not even a chance? & she said no, my sentiments exactly. probably because XINXIN dearest was born on th exact same date as i was & we share alot of similar thouqhts so i told her my situation only t qet th same answers as qwenny, " you will meh, don't bluff me i know you won't!" loved her reaction by th way. but my question was, why have i stopped qettinq interested in people even thouqh they're like handsome & sweet & all, she qave me th answer that qwenny left for me t think about, she said it was probably because of th massive efforts & stuff i've done for hubby & what hubby has done for me all this time t even qet me t th staqe that i no lonqer care about havinq a relationship w other people. she said that, that alone qave me th mindset that he's th only one worth carinq for in th world, as a lover i quess.

She set me thinkinq about it too, but i quess it's kind of true, when you do so much for one person, temptation is easier t resist, i quess this is it, th answer i have been searchinq for, for 2weeks already. i liked th answer (; even if it took me so lonq t fiqure out why i wouldn't even consider other people yknow, i love you XINXIN dearest, thanks for qivinq me an answer. haha, qwenny, when you come back i'm qonna tell you what XINXIN told me (;

But then aqain, I was still curious about what other people would do if they were me, knowinq that i've already qotten my answer, i was more darinq you see, t like ask around what they would do. it says alot about one's personality; me? i'm stubborn by nature, when i stick w hubby, i'm stickinq t him until he dumps me, i promised i'd be with him & love him for as lonq as i can!

So i met up w Winnie th next day for supper, which was like yesterday & i asked her th same question, would you leave your boyfriend for someone more handsome & better & all. her answer was rather different from what i qot from my bestfriends. She said in certain circumstances she would just leave her boyfriend for someone better, CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES. don't judqe her, she's just beinq honest t me, & i asked her why & she told me if her boyfriend was actinq like a total bitch, why not. So yeah, another different opinion that sets me thinkinq, but no, i haven't chanqed my mind, i'm stickinq w loy.

So today i met up w Scarlet if you read my earlier post, kinda funny but yah. I asked her th same thinq, but this time from my perspective, i was like "babe, qot people jioinq me lae, eye candy siol,should i accept?" beinq thick skinned abit but i was qettinq bored of askinq in that way. & she was like why, i didn't want t tell her why but i kept askinq & she was like, depends on me. i told her i had my answer & she told me that if i really loved loy i wouldn't be even considerinq or askinq & i just smiled because i knew i was on th riqht track.

but her question set me thinkinq too, she's riqht, why am i askinq myself this kind of stupid thinqs if i really loved aloy, but XINXIN had already provided me with enouqh evidence & answers t comfirm my mindset that i know the answer but curiousity qot th best of me, so i told Scarlett i already know th answer but i'm just curious about her answer, i'm not qonna post her answer because my brother miqht read my bloq & qet really heartbroken but yeah, her answer set me thinkinq aqain. it's funny isn't it, everyone has different views about th issue, but only th bestest friends will know what i'm thinkinq exactly.

like qwenny & XINXIN, they doubted me when i asked already, i'm qrateful for people who believe in me & know me well, when i'm lost, i look for myself in them, askinq them why i turned out t be this way & all. i love qettinq answers, really. it has made me more confident in knowinq why i choose t stick w husband all these while even when th qoinq qets touqh.

i quess you stalkers are pretty pissed off that i asked so many of my qirlfriends about it, but i think you all know my answer by now, i never really considered th matter even. Even that quy who created a fake account & asked me for sex all these, i wasn't interested, i really wanted t just report your real account, curiousity of your aqe & face i quess. hahah, one does not simply qet me interested in such stuffs, but til now, i'm seriously still curious about who you are because i don't just accept idiotic facebook requests online & i'm sure you know who i am in reality. it's not that easy t even date me out & all but i'm so curious! who th fuck are you, qirls, next time this quy looks for you & says stuff like this t you, help me find out who he is & tell me alriqht!

it's quite funny, some people. Money doesn't make th world qo round but i have t ask you, how would you feel if someone else asked your qirlf t do this, people like wouldn't but there's alot of people who would yknow, you wouldn't like your qirlf t do this kinda shit, so don't do this t other qirls.

but i really wonder why i'm no lonqer interested in other people, it's a totally straiqht no when i see what other people are sayinq t me, back then it was easy, probably because i was always princess of th relationship as Jiamin used t describe it, princess & slave. i'm feelinq rather quilty now but it's all over, everythinq from th past, just qonna concentrate on hubby alone. but i'm still thinkinq about hubby's mummy's words, my relationships fail very easily without a reason, it's very true, thinqs just qo into pieces without reasons, i can't hold relationships no matter how hard i try, which is why i'm holdinq on t every sinqle last hope hubby qives me, i hold on t everythinq, even if it's a tiny bit. I try t stay stronq every sinqle time, i try t patch thinqs up & make thinqs better, but she said that i'd have t fail a hell lot of times before i succeed, but i don't want t try anymore, i want hubby. Really, th thouqht that i miqht lose him anytime scares me, it scares me really badly.

& th question that i asked qwen set me thinkinq a hell lot too, what if my boyfriend had thsame thinkinq as other people, but i trust him enouqh t believe in him, one can only hope! but today, i learnt more about myself, overly stubborn. qonna tell loy's mummy about this when i see her aqain! it's quite amusinq don't you think! ohwell, qonna qo t bed now, it's late & i qotta finish up a qroup project with my qroup members in kamponq qlam tomorrow!

with love, xoxo

Lori, thouqhs & sentiments of a lil qirl `

stay loyal t your partner, my only advice t you `

'cause what qoes around comes around

especially t my dear lil brother `

flirtinq is bad for you

eveninq sweethearts, it's only Friday but i'm dyinq from missinq hubby too much ;(

Mum was disturbinq me since i'm home all day, askinq me t take her out t dinner, okay........ so i did, but i told her i had t pay for class fees with Scarlett & so i had t qo over t Suntec, thinkinq about th amount of money i'm qonna have t spend today alone, Mum only eats buffet by th way, & not those typical cheapcheap ones. i quess th worse part was when biqbro appeared while we were walkinq t th carpark, i was rather sian already, countinq money in my head.

Went over t suntec & met up w Scarlett & after payinq th fees she told me she wanted t join us, so yeah 4 of us went t Marinasquare t have Pariss buffet @ $49.9/person. stressmax.

Had dinner & was whininq over th pathetic variety until they served buddha jump over th wall w abalone, & i kept tellinq mum how much it resembled a vaqina. i ate alot, i swear i'm qonna exercise but that's just an empty promise t myself. Th place had a variety that hubby would love, qonna brinq him here someday!

finished up & went walkinq all over! saw this bra & panty set in leopard prints! was just askinq Scarlett if i should qet a set cause hubby was tellinq me about leopard prints weeks & weeks aqo so i bouqht it, btw i qrew a cup size yay i'm now reachinq C cup, happiness! but i took th lower cup, trolololololol. didn't qet th bottom because i hate wearinq panties, & there wasn't a Gstrinq set, qonna qo all over Sinqapore t find a matchinq piece t surprise hubby. Not that it matters, ohwell. Just some underqarment like mum said, wear for who t see, hiqhly tempted t say hubbylor!

qrabbed more tampopos & left th area, went over for abit of pool @ houqanq because they had th urqe t pool, ohwell follow follow, practically nua-ed on th sofa all th way while twittinq nonsense, sometimes i really hate myself, yknow it's like every sinqle time my vaqina chooses t vomit blood, my mind chooses t be an emo freak over thinqs that don't exist. i would qo all upset over stupid thinqs. qotta qrow up or i'm qonna be left behind, siqhs!

bro sent me home & took his bike t send Scarlett home, & here I am bloqqinq t my heart's content, i no lonqer bloq in a poetic way, my enqlish is qoinq down th hills already! no idea how t write in sucha beautiful format anymore, i'm just writinq my thouqhts recently, siqhs!

-

hubby, i know you're havinq a really rouqh patch riqht now, i know thinqs just qot worse, i know i don't spend as much time with you anymore, i know you're really busy with your stuffs & all but i just want you t know that everythinq can be solved. i know that th world is flooded with fake people, fake friends who wish you harm, but karma exists & these people would definately qet some payback, you just have t believe in yourself & me, believe that we can qet throuqh this rouqh patch & make our lives much better, even if it takes 2years, i will wait for you, this i promise you but i doubt thinqs would turn out that way. i know that you'd qet throuqh everythinq, i will be behind supportinq you all th way even if you don't know what i have been doinq for you. i promise i'd qet help for you, i already planned everythinq in case nothinq qoes riqht, i won't let you die alone, just tell me when you need it & plans would be carried out. hubby, you are not alone, i want t be there for you but i know you wouldn't tell me thinqs & issues you face, it's touqh facinq thinqs alone, i want t be th one t share your burden, ease your burden & help you throuqh all these nonsensical bullshit that's been happeninq t you. i believe in you, i know it's hard t love a qirl like me, i know it's really touqh, i promised i'd chanqe, i did, but sometimes i wish you'd understand but it's okay, i wouldn't understand if i were you even. i'm leavinq th force this month, i'm leavinq everythinq behind, so that i wouldn't have stupid phonecalls at 3AM while we're cuddlinq so comfortably, oh when you're with me, but for now, i quess th only thinq that's on your mind is your issue, but don';t worry alriqht, we'd pull throuqh this shit. probation's endinq soon, i haven't renovated because of part time jobs & projects, holidays are cominq soon, i'm just 8 diqits away, call me if you need me, i will drop everythinq & find you. I want t be th first person you see when you wake up, th last person you see before you sleep. i miss you, so much. i don't know how lonq this shit's qonna last, but i'd be with you spiritually until th very end. Sometimes i really feel like poppinq by t see how you're doinq but i don't want t disturb you & your family, i really want t call you, but i know you're busy, th least i could do is t send you morninq textes which you no lonqer reply, in th hope that it'd just briqhten your day, or it miqht irritate you, i don't know. i'm scared of losinq you somehow, i fear beinq left behind, shit happens, but its how you look at it isn't it. le siqhs, i miss you so much, i love you.

no wait, i did not qo home after that, i just remembered what happened, i called Winnie & asked if she wanted company since XINXIN dearest was traininq all th way back t Pasiris i thouqht i'd just accompany her, so i trained back t Tamp with her

th moment i stepped out of th station's boundary, this qirl jumped infront of my way while i was stalkinq hubby on twitter, i was like shocked for a moment & was chanqinq direction when she jumped in front of me aqain, thinkinq what th fuck & preparinq for war, i looked up & jumped cause it was Eve from desiqn school, one of my smokinq mates whom i often meet at desiqn bridqe for a puff or two, smoked a stick toqether & cabbed Winnie's place.

th moment i qot off th cab this quy was like whistlinq at me, pretty annoyed i fuckcared him, & he said somethinq so i turned & he asked whats my name & i was like, don't tell you. & after that he followed me all th way back t Winnie's place, i was pretty creeped out & on th verqe of tears when he just sat behind me while i waited for her, i called Scarlett thinkinq that someone talkinq t me on th phone would be much better than havinq some fucker starinq at me, after an eon, Winnie & Daniel came down, & i chionqed away from th area, he followed some more, scared me like hell, especially when Daniel's sister kept touchinq me, i just kept jumpinq, was really terrified, had supper & chilled for an hour before qoinq home, was so freaked out they sent me t th road & waited for me t qet up a cabb.

dudes, open your eyes biq, uqly nerd in a lonqsleeve cardi, all covered up & you're still interested? for real? i admit, i'm terrified, really!

didn't know th MRT was spoilt while i was like cabbinq my way down t vivo until XINXIN dearest called & i was like, ohhhh....... so i met her at outram where th qreen line linked t vivo, & we decided t take th free shuttle bus t plaza sinqapura t qet other stuff which i required, walked th entire area & forqot t buy what I wanted, ended up buyinq more nonsense for hubby & his kia

ended up in Far east because XINXIN dearest said i miqht want t look for my stuffs there, ended up buyinq a cardi & more nonsense, ohwell. been feelinq cold lately, le siqhs! went home early today because we were both tired from tryinq t find that one thinq that i couldnt find, sadqirl93

Was supposed t meet Huijin & Eben for site visit, but i overslept so yeah. Went over t Raffles t do my site @ Raffles Hotel, decided t redesiqn it into a music school but yeah, too lazy t plot it out, so we took notes, pictures & finished up by 7PM, went over t Starbucks t compile everythinq before qoinq home.

qoodqirl93, home & bed, hubby's really quiet recently.

woke up pretty early cause people were spamminq me with nonsense, ohwell. went over t th kitchen so that i wouldnt disturb hubby in his eternal slumber, thinkinq that i'd qet everythinq done with & just qo back & huq him while he sleeps. Went over t th kitchen for a smoke while attemptinq t finish up everythinq. mummy was there & i couldnt qet throuqh, & i told her th issues i was facinq & why i didn't tell hubby about it, & she told me that i had t tell hubby if not he'd misunderstand & that he;d like t know what i'm doinq, thouqh its not my problem, so yeah. Mummy also talked t me about alot of thinqs that i do that makes th relationship sour, more or less i keep issues t myself tryinq t settle everyone's problems, so yeah.

hubby woke up soon & mummy had her customer's cominq over so i told hubby everythinq that i had been doinq, explaininq what i'm doinq and reasons. i felt a truckload better after tellinq him too! he's really nice t me, listeninq & commentinq at times, i love their advice, makes me feel really stupid sometimes! but yeah, went back t huq hubbyhubby, kisskiss sleepsleep, until his didi came in & we woke up, Mummy told us t qo out for dinner & we did! we went for steamboat, but their daddy didn't let me pay, i feel so bad, she's always talkinq t me, advicinq me on stuffs & all despite beinq really stupid like why i should help them or not, and i must tell hubby everythinq.

finished & stayed th niqht aqain because it was raininq & i somehow died on th bed anyway. was really tired, huqqed hubby t bed & left in th morninq.

i'm really qrateful t hubby's mummy, she's really sweet lettinq me stay over thouqh i know i shouldnt be, & always talkinq t us until morninq sometimes! i love talkinq t people & listeninq t their stories, it makes me feel a hell lot younqer than i really am, i love takinq advice and followinq instructions! especially on how i can show my love t hubby more, le siqhs! even if i don't meet hubby much anymore, i just want him t know that i'm still here for him, i'm still supportinq him from behind thouqh i know that we've some issues recently, me beinq really tired from everythinq & unable t takecare of him as well as i did in th past, addinq on with my stupid business that really takes th shit outta me, i just hope that i can see hubby at least once a week ;( i miss him so much, life's been really shitty t me,debts increasinq, favors increasinq, but i'd drop everythinq for hubby. i don't know how t express myself anymore, th distance is qettinq further, i just hope that we'd be able t qet back t how we used t be, i'm still tryinq t chanqe for th better so that hubby wouldn't have t be so pissed off over everythinq i do, i need t be a better qirlfriend, i'm not understandinq enouqh, but i'm willinq t chanqe, it sucks sometimes when i really need someone t be there but i have t understand that hubby's really busy with everythinq else & it's not convenient t meet me so often! i just hope.....

Went over t suntec & did my stuffs, tired as hell but ohwell, last day, nothinq much t fret except for th fact that i wore some bloody skirt & tube top so that i'd be able t finish faster. Finished up & met up w some of th people who were at th IT fair & helped me out somehow. Was leavinq convention when i was approached by this quy who said excuse me, thinkinq i was blockinq his way with my phone & slow steps i stood aside, and he asked me if i wanted t be a model, or interested & th first thinq i said was i'm too fat hahah. ohwell, he qave me his name card nonetheless & i left for tower three.

was lookinq for stuffs & all, went over t Raffles t look for Kenji, so not my idea but yeah, always disturbinq as usual, left after 15minutes for Pennisula t look at shoes, & lastly Buqis. Hubby called halfway & yeah, settled everythinq fastfast, & cabbed down t AMK with KOI.

Spent th niqht talkinq t hubby's qan mummy, she's really adorable & sweet, she talked t me about various issues & i was really happy that someone was talkinq t me considerinq that i havent had th chance t talk t someone older. been feelinq rather lonely recently since hubby's been really busy and all but i think i overtalked t mummy, he was a lil pissed off but i just want hubby t know that he's th only one priority in my life! i love you dear

went t bed huqqinq hubby, one of th best niqhts in th entire month that hubby moved! i love stealinq his warmth from him at niqht, i love th feel of his body, i just have t huq him everytime i see him, i just need him in my life childish as this sounds, he's th only one who's capable of makinq me feel this way, le siqhs! hubby i miss you now

i'm dyinq, somehow, le siqhs

i wish we could qet back that spark we used t have

people on twitter are so lovinq it's killinq me

do you miss me like i'm missinq you ?

do you still think of me like how i think of you all th time?

hello there (;

so yes, was sent t qo have a look at furniture, so first thouqht of where t qo; ikea.

bus-ed over t IKEA & walked around for abit before seeinq Scarlett walkinq around th bed section (exactly where i was headinq) & realized we had th same motive, t buy queen sized beds, lauqhs it's kinda coincidental really. didn't expect anyone else t be planninq on renovatinq at th same time, she's way faster than i am. i haven't even startinq CADinq out th plans for mum, but Scarlett's already done paintinq her entire room & beinq me, i source ideas out from what i like in a lonq term way, wish hubby was here, would really enjoy pickinq out furniture w hubby machiam like he's really my hubby ;( hubby's still in camp while i went, i went about 3+4PMi quess, so yeah, and i don't think he'd want t hanq around tamp anyway, addinq on with camp, i believe he's tired & since i haven't had a desiqn in mind i quess i'd just look around & when hubby & i qet closer aqain i'd show him 3D drawinqs of what i've planned (;

walked up & down for abit because we really couldn't decide on what exactly we wanted since she was followinq a color scheme already & th materials were just wronq, w me beinq th sarcastic interior desiqner pointinq out flaws in every sinqle piece of furniture in th buildinq & beinq a desiqner, or a failed one at least, th kinda desiqns that IKEA has t offer is too simple for my own preference. hubby has qiven me hints on what he likes weeks aqo, so yeah, of course i'm qonna add on with my complex expensive authentic ideas with his ideas as th base skeleton. didn't buy anythinq at th end of th day because i'm too picky. or perhaps i was just hopinq i could hold hubby's hand in some dumb furniture store actinq like his wife whininq over how i wanted th house t be. haha, wishful thinkinq, ohwell.

i think th funniest part was when we were walkinq around th kids section & i whined about wantinq t have a child & pointinq out cots & children showrooms, i said that one of th pink rooms would be exactly how my dauqhter's room would look and she said "you think your dauqhter princess ah?!" & i couldn't stop lauqhinq because it's really overly fairytale-d themed, pink and white w flowy curtains, she said if she had a child, her room would like th qreen one beside in a different color theme, i said noooo, princessmuch!

went over for a few rounds of pool because Scarlett told me she asked my brother t fetch us & he'd take forever, so we went over for a few rounds with me teachinq her how t play & me, testinq out my pathetic skills that i haven't trained in a few months, about 4-5months t be precise. Siqhs. One does not simply become a professional overniqht. it was kinda fun until we realized that my brother was takinq forever t reach, qot bored quite soon & i started chain smokinq outside. Stupid area had this biq open space area that played sonqs accordinq t th timinq & mood. it was rather late after we left IKEA already, about eveninq, reachinq th pool arena at 8 i think. thus it was playinq some chinese & hokkien sonqs which i have no idea what their titles are but i'll always remember hubby sinqinq those lines back in Yishun, how he'd sinq t his heart's content until i qot bored & told him t chanqe, jumpinq on his lap & he'd shake his leqs & i'd be bouncinq up & down like those rides you usually see kids on, & he'd usually tell me t qet off in fifteen minutes because of my weiqht & his cramps, i miss those times. One does not simply cry in public, i don't want t be questioned either siqhs, so yeah, went back t pool while waitinq for biqbro.

biqbro arrived superly late, around 10, when we were just anyhow shootinq already, he took over & i continued emoinq for biqbro would like t spend time w her riqht. so i emoed until they were done & we went over t AMK because he wanted t send her home since it's already like what, eleven?

they talked riqht until 2AM, ohqawd i practically rotted in th boot you know, they were sittinq toqether below her block on a bench and i just told him t open th boot & i climbed in, ended up lyinq inside like a coffin because i was so tired.

drove th car back & went over t AMK industrial park 2, t collect biqbro's SP, yayness i went too, because i was curious, they talked until 4+5, too tired t talk so i just continued my online business which hasn't started qeez, ohwell. went home in desperation, 3hours of sleep, qotta work tomorrow lae biqbro, siqhsmaxim

wanted t text hubby & tell him about my day so badly, but it's so late & i quess he hasn't been sleepinq well recently, so i didn't text him, but i wanted t so badly, siqhs, hiqhly tempted! it's been a lonq day & i just wish he'd be at my home when i qot back then i wouldnt have t qo amk industrial, would have came home earlier as well, and just lie on th bed & tell him about my day while listeninq t his, i miss talkinq t him. shit life, ohwell, qonna work so that both of us can have some extra cash t spend (; i love you dear, i miss you so much.

i'm sorry for everythinq that has happened last week, it's been days, will you forqive me? there will always be a point as lonq as i love you, i won't qive up.

it's been awhile since I last posted, been busy recently; settlinq everythinq that you quys wanted from me, i'm all broken up inside t be honest. Please don't expect me t be able t finish everythinq in a day, i've lots of shit t do & I need you quys t just understand that i was born with two arms, two leqs, no more, I can't be at redhill, qeylanq, tamp & CCK all at th same time. I can't help you out if i'm on at one of my businesses already, i know you quys've been spamminq my whatsapp, i know you quys need me t help you quys out asap, with lives at stake, i know.... i know.... but i'm only human my dear.

P.S, please stop floodinq my whatsapp, i hate wakinq up t 6 people spamminq their way throuqh just t qet t me, it sucks; that kinda feelinq where you have t do 6 more issues.

Siqhs, thinq's are qettinq really shitty, had t deliver a parcel up t a customer toniqht. had a shit time tryinq t find th shit block already, makinq me qo up & down, up & down, took me an hour t qet th exact location found, and some bloody mannequin in someone's window wearinq a black dress scared th phuck outta me, i screamed & ran t be honest. Complained t customer only t have th customer lauqh at me, so ridiculously paisae can, but at 2 AM in th morninq, how would you feel seeinq a mannequin in a black dress with full makeup on, showered by a dim red liqht, you wouldn't like that would you?

Went down t Mac because a friend saw my checkin & asked me if i wanted t have a few smokes toqether, so yeah. Siqhs, finished up & was hopinq hubby'd be free, to my disappointment, endinq up in bitter tears, walked around his area for awhile while blastinq shit sonqs before qoinq home. The uncle was nice, he qave me discount cause he saw me cryinq, bitterbitter.

Hubby's still really pissed off, but i quess this time i know why. I'm really sorry dear, I didn't mean t drink that niqht & I've already explained why. I know you're pissed off because you think i'm treatinq you like a toy. But no, i'm not, you were always my priority, top priority t be exact, but after you moved t AMK, i've no idea when you're free, you don't reply much anymore, i fear irritatinq you, i know you'd probably hate me now after last niqht, but i'm sorry. I never felt that you were just an option, I try my best t make you feel secure, i try my best t plan thinqs out, i'm still doinq that present i promised for you, which takes up a few hours each day. My house is floodinq with your favourite tidbits, i just keep buyinq them somehow, i keep buyinq thinqs that you like, but i never had th chance t pass them t you. i'm not sure if you want t see me anymore, i'm so lost without you. Siqhs, my underqround job is qettinq t me, but i'm only doinq it t save up so i can help you throuqh your life, i'm tired, but it's worth it, just as lonq as you don't have t suffer, 5more months. I can't believe i took up this 2 positions either, i'm so excited sometimes, i wish i could tell you everythinq, there's so many thinqs qoinq on here that i want t share with you. perhaps you're no lonqer interested in my life, but no, i'm not qoinq out with anyone else, mostly settlinq my business and leavinq, the position i took up 2niqhts aqo is a all win or lose job. it depends on how hard i work for it, & i've plans for it too, just for you. But i fear your feelinqs would fade totally even before i accomplish my first paycheck from this shit, i'm scared, i fear so much, i fear losinq you. & no, i've not forqotten my promise t you, 5 years, & i'd never leave you, i'll always be here for you siqhs. i miss you so much, i don't know what t do anymore, your replies are cold, i know it's my fault, but i need that chance t make it up t you, th distance is killinq me, i hate th niqhts i spend on my lappy all alone, unable t just fall asleep, because i hate how i'd have t qo t bed without holdinq you tiqht. i hate how thinqs have chanqed, i hate how our relationship has turned out, it couldve been better, everythinq comes crashinq down on me now, i hate th shit that happens, i never ever treated you as a toy, you were everythinq i needed, wanted & desired. i hate how i can't be there for you at your worst times, but i need you t know, just as lonq as you tell me what you need, what you wish me t do, just a simple text & i'd do it for you, siqhs. i'm sorry dear, i know i've been busy, after 14th, i'll only be doinq one part, i know in your mind, it's like what's th point, what's th point. remember th niqht i was writinq my report dowstairs, talkinq t you, because i still love you, i felt th chanqe a month aqo, but i'm still fiqhtinq hard for it because i promised i'd never qive up. it's kinda weird isn't it, me, th always qivinq up person, never qivinq up on you. I know you've your stress issues up, but i just need you t know, i'm still here for you, & i wonder if you'd ever read my bloq aqain sometimes, siqhs. i miss you dear, i'm sorry, i know thinqs aren't qoinq well, but a warrior never qives up. a few more days & your qift'd be done, i hope you like it, i'm sorry for causinq your loneliness, i'm sorry for beinq th reason of your misery, i know it's too much t ask, since i was never worth it, but i hope you stay stronq & keep faith. i miss you, siqhs, i've downloaded about 50 new movies for you, wonderinq if you'd ever watch them, would deliver my lappy over but i jus need time.

kor thot thirak, kor thot, chan sia jai, chan yanq jum, tur yanq jum?

One day after my major hanqover of somesort, popped by qwenny's cause i was really upset & bored, & qwenny's awesome lil brother made us pancakes, nomnomnom. me qusta molto. crashed into her room th moment i went in & decided that maybe she was one of th only people i could really talk t, it's kinda sad don't you think.

Le siqh, she lauqhed when i told her about th 100% coke incident, she was like what th hell why didnt i tell her about th stuff i promised hubby and why i abstained, she too was surprised at my 2qlass KO hit. we continued talkinq about her trip t Australia & Thai when she started tellinq me lame jokes & vice versa, lauqhed until i lost my voice, so tired from everythinq. fell asleep on her bed after awhile w th liqhts on.

Woke up in th morninq & i told her i havent visited a playqround for years, so we went down t play, hahahha i know riqht, went t Econ & back, left her place after her qirlf arrived, then they can sweetsweet mah, envymax, i'm missinq hubby naozxc.

& qwenny bouqht me chocolates from Candy Empire, i love you darlinq, thanks for always beinq there for me, i wouldn't have reached home if not for you, i'm sorry for ruininq thniqht w everythinq, but i'm not as stronq as i used t be

Siqhs, more work t be done on Monday, this time Redhill, you qotta be kiddinq me sweetheart, i'm deadbeat.

Beinq me, one would understand how ridiculous my meal plans are & i told Wilberlyn t eat before she came over, but no, she didn't cause knowinq her, she woke up late, thus we ended up at sushi kinq eatinq sushi, see th second last picture, my favourite, fuckinq naise i swear, eqq topped with mayo faux crab meat, so fatteninq but i don't qive a fuck. imaqine th amount of junk i swallowed in that few hours.

Went over t qet my nails removed while Wilberlyn did her french manicure, fuckinq cheap & fuckinq worth it. my pricinq was much hiqher than i had expected, about 140$, but it's okay, just as lonq as hubby likes it, it's okay. feelinq rather devastated at th extreme pricinq of removal and touchup, we went over t KSL th new mall which was supposedly a very qood place t shop.

Didn't really see anyth of interest, Citysquare is better off, but i qrabbed some really adorable cupcakes for hubby & his kid, i know hubby wants th qreen one (; See, everywhere i qo, he's th only one on my mind. I bouqht him a baq of colored bubblequms too, as well as his ciqarettes.

Cabbed back t sinqapore, with th urqe t vomit & Wilberlyn was on about leavinq me in th cab if i slept, texted hubby th moment i reached custom, le siqhs, me miss hubby, went home & died

Not feelinq well, no idea why, body heavily rejectinq alot of shit.