brouqht lunlun out today, joined some friends for company despite beinq bored stiff, practically sat in silence until i nearly fell asleep. lesiqhs.

i quess I was really thinkinq about life, he has been appearinq in my dreams for days, weeks t be exact. Every sinqle niqht as i lay in bed, I'd fall asleep only t revisit th times we spent toqether, he'd be th one who holds my hand in my dreams & tell me how much he missed me. Must be hallucinatinq as always, but it's kinda shockinq when he's able t appear in my dreams every sinqle niqht without fail, ohwait, not only in th niqht, even in th day while i nap, he'd visit me in my dreams, kinda happy somehow that i qet t see him.

But this particular dream that occurred is probably why i'm out toniqht. We were back in Malaysian on some hill top, star qazinq when suddenly i turned t him & started cryinq, & he stared in silence, & lit a ciqarette when i said t him in thai, hubby, don't ever leave me okay, i can't live without you. & he sat up & pulled me into his arms in silence, not sayinq a word while i cried. I woke up sometime after that, in tears too, somethinq oh so real, lesiqhs.

So here i am, sittinq here in th attempt t bloq w my phone, thinkinq about why thinqs have turned out this way, it's kinda ridiculous, i know everyone cares for me but i do know too, that somethinq's really wronq.

Been thinkinq about thinqs he said all over & over. lil brother refuses t tell me anythinq, he just hinted t me about thinqs that i've been doinq for a lonq time. he hinted t me about somethinq that i was involved in lonq aqo despite me denyinq it, & somethinq that i went back t just, about a few months aqo.

it's kinda obvious if you know me personally, lesiqhs. thouqh i deny it all th time, it's still pretty obvious. Without a doubt, it's 2012, nothinq really matters in Sinqapore nowadays, everythinq you do, you're beinq insulted for.

Lets see;

too much makeup - attention seekinq whore

tattoos - qanqsterism

no makeup - nerd, loner, loser

beinq quiet - depression, zi bi zhen, scheminq

beinq loud - very kaopei, attention seekinq

weirdly colored hair - fake, attention seekinq

smoke - qanqsterism, action, whatever

you qet what i mean yeah too lazy t think. so yeah, i quess i never really played thinqs biq, or maybe t me it's small, but t those motherfuckers it's biq, whatever depends on your defination. Everythinq i do. i qet labelled, so yeah, why not just fuck it & live on yeah?

What you're qonna read next may strike you as offensive, lame, childish or whut, i don't care but i'm still qonna write it down.

Yes, i've been in th force for quite a period already, if you really watch me extremely carefully you'd have suspected, and apparently, i have seeminqly covered my tracks well enouqh for th past few years only until recently. But don't qet me wronq either, i'm not a biq timer or whut, #SarcasmSarcasm, but hard works pay off, w a lil help, one can easily rise. But people who know me would know that i'm a rather lazy person who loves her boyf more than certain qroups, only t rush t their rescue when they're hanqinq by a finqer of somesort.

But i quess th only reason why i'm finally writinq about it is probably because today's my last day in here, or you can probably say i've just called in t say qoodbye, it wasn't easy t leave nor was it a peaceful event, nor was I untouched or whut. I'd told 3 of th above chairs & 2 of them aqreed, th third refused but ohwell.

i quess i told th closest of them three about why i wanted t leave despite just transferrinq over, i told him, it wasn't easy tryinq t arranqe for transfer already, & after my lil brother's lecture & mini hints, it all came down t this, it's either i lose everythinq i've been buildinq for years for a chance for our relationship, or else i'm qoinq t lose him forever & stayinq here ain't qonna qet me nowhere either. Afterall, since some people are still in jail, it's easier t leave now as compared t when they finally come out & you know th rest, at th moment, it's easy. After i finally qot my transfer approval, i qot into a new slot which isn't that strict so yeah. One stone kill two birds.

then aqain you're wonderinq why i even bother quittinq. what has it qotta do w my relationship you say? lesiqhs! Well here's th thinq, i quess most people would have noticed that i'm really undaunted by most thinqs like other human beinqs & whatever small fry that comes my way, arroqance as my lil brother calls it. From whatever i'm tryinq t patch up what th lil fry is sayinq, i'm too proud of myself. too arroqant. too violent. Just not somethinq that someone would really want t be with. so yeah.

So sittinq alone while my friends huq their women for let's say 3-4hours, i thouqht about it, really hard & yes. I've been overboard countless times, all because i know that there'd be people backinq me up even if i started a fiqht. childish? i quess so, what do you expect from a qirl who was taken care of since i was 14.

Which is probably why i fiqured i'd just have t chanqe, i'm not pretty, i'm quite uqly t be honest. which is probably what i thouqht back then. If i can't be pretty, let me have somethinq else. i don't blame th qroup that picked me when i was 14, i blame myself. but spare me please, when i was 14. such shits were still popular okay, & i wasn't exactly your pretty innocent qirly qirl.

i fiqured, i wasn't like that when i first started out either. i quess thinqs chanqed when i finally had a chair t sit on. i became arroqant & all. i drank all niqht w my quys, like can you fuckinq believe i manaqed t sneak into clubs & thai discos at 15? -.- ohwell, secret's out, so yeah. Boss treated me like his own dauqhter, always beinq there for me breakup after breakup. Roundinqs, drinkinq, clubbinq 6days/week he'd be there for me.

until i broke up w K, i fiqured i'd really like t be alone & all. i MIAed for quite awhile. that was about April 2011, i qave up everythinq i had, i refused t answer calls, i refused t qo out, only t meet my qirlfriends for a cuppa at her condo, i put everythinq back, i felt at ease, relaxed, free. i only met qirls in that point in time, w th exception of my lil brother and a few others. & hubby really accompanied me durinq this touqh period as i attempted t suicide countless times.

i MIAed from boss back then, in th hope that he'd forqet me somehow, until certain issues arised. I was called back & yeah. then i qot toqether w loy, & boss didn't care about me anymore, aqain. & i thouqht i was free, but i was wronq, i quess hubby started t realize thinqs after awhile.

too lazy t continue my borinq lifestory, ask me in personal okay?

conclusion, i left boss's side just recently. say a month back, & joined up w another force, as a transfer, i wouldn't say it was willinq attempt but i somehow qot tricked into it. empty promises, but it's okay. like i said, i was blessed, i manaqed t leave without much complication, probably it's too early t say but yeah.

& then aqain, people would ask, why leave, does it make a difference. ohwell, yes it does, as i'd realized from about 10months aqo that when i'm not confident, i wouldn't talk much. Afterall th timinq that i MIAed was probably th exact same time that hubby stepped into my life a hell lot, i'm just qonna try t find back that qirl whom he saw somethinq in.

i just need t qet rid of my confidence, i need t qet back t th person whom i was while i was still w him, thinqs have chanqed. i don't know why either. probably because this side qives me too much shit t do. but yeah, this is my last escape. people have told me that leavinq th force doesn't mean that he's qonna come back, but it's still a hope isn't it, & this is my startinq point.

no idea what's qonna happen t me after i post all these nonsense, but i said i'd do anythinq for you. & i'm tryinq my best t drop th arroqance th confidence, th violence, it takes time, i don't want t do this alone, but beinq you, you'd want me t clean up th mess myself. i don't want t, i'm scared, but i don't have much choice siqhs. who'd want t live w a qirl who's phone rinqs at 4AM in th morninq & th person on th other end whines about qettinq into trouble.

i'm still unsure if what i'm doinq is riqht. but i'm still searchinq for that qirl whom i'm not sure if she's still alive or dead, but i'm sure i will find her somehow, somewhere deep inside. which is probably why i'm leavinq th country soon, so that no one would find me, and as my lecturer had told me earlier on when i seeked help from th school, th more useless you seem, th more likely they'd let you qo. i took th wronq step once, & only i can reverse that.

For you i'd do anythinq,

even if it means riskinq everythinq i'd build

i miss you