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♥ Wednesday, November 2

i finally fiqured out why he's not talkinq t me `

after spendinq like th entire week readinq my phone's stuff `

readinq my bloq, his bloq & everythinq `

battery dies pretty fast, but i think i'm really fucked up `

23rd October `

misinterpreted - i hate myself so much riqht now `

i hiqhliqhted this part `

& i wonder, why did i even aqree t this `
after rejectinq so many qood offers `
i finally relented t someone whom i desired lonq aqo `
only t find myself in this pathetic pliqht `
qoodjob lori, you're pathetic`
& stupid & dumb & useless `
i don't need anymore people addinq oil t th fire `
so much t learn, so lil time `

hais i hate myself `

what i meant wasn't th fact that you aren't qood enouqh `

what i meant was that i had th choice `

but i chose you, because i loved you `

& that alone, overrides all faults `

no one, or nothinq else mattered t me `

i don't care if you're tattooed all over `

i don't care if you had a bad history `

i don't qive a fuck t your backqround `

all i need is you, period `

i was anqry, pissed off, upset, hurt `

a biq mistake on my part `

i'm sincerely sorry `

i was jealous, i hated women at that point `

i needed comfort, but i didn't listen t you `

i wanted you t qive in t me, beinq selfish `

i didn't try t understand your situation `

i wanted t, but i was selfish, clouded by eqo `

i'll chanqe, but where's that chance `

i didn't know you were so stressed up `

i only cared for myself, i didn't think for you `

i wanted to be th lil qirl who had all th care i lacked `

i never thouqht you'd need it more `

i never once thouqht for you, i'm sorry `

i wish you'd come back, i'll chanqe i promise `

i know you're a qood quy deep down `

everyone else just doesn't see it `

that's their fuckinq problem `

i felt it, i knew it in my heart, & i loved it `

i just didn't see th warninq siqns `

i should have went t your house `

i should have salvaqed th situation `

i should have spotted my mistake `

but i didn't, did i `

i think of you all th time `

never once did i think for you `

maybe i did, but it wasn't enouqh `

i should have been with you throuqh it all `

i should have been your pillar of comfort `

i should have been th one t accompany you `

t visit you niqhtly, makinq sure you were fine `

makinq sure you never felt lonely `

it's touqh isn't it, beinq all alone `

i'm sorry for all th time i wasted, clubbinq `

i'm sorry for, makinq you so insecure `

-siqhs- , i hate myself `

i shouldn't have went clubbinq `

i shouldn't have caused you insecurity on my part `

i should never have done all these bullshit `

reqret, it's too late isn't it `

i hate everythinq i have ever done wronq t you `

i hate myself, to the core `

i didn't care about anythinq else `

all i needed was you, just you `

tears, and blood on my lappy `

you don't need me, you probably never loved me `

-lauqhs- t think i qave it all up t you `

but it was worth it, wasn't it `

a full month of your love, your care `

i desired you lonq aqo, even before i met you `

i hate myself, i hate everythinq i did `

everythinq i ever said wronq `

i know it's too late, i know it's too fuckinq late `

i'm fuckinq pissed off with myself riqht now `

even as blood spills on my laptop `

i don't feel any pain, what is pain `

i don't feel anythinq anymore `

th pathetic pliqht i referred to wasn't you `

it was th state i set myself in `

insecurity, fucked up, shit `

i hated th fact that women wanted you `

i'm insecure about myself, & everyth else `

i was terrified of losinq you `

i didn't need that shit, but i thouqht it out `

i'm so lost without you `

i worry for you every sinqle fuckinq niqht `

you were everythinq i ever wanted `

i desired more, but that didn't mean i needed it `

i accepted everythinq you had `

my hands are shakinq, my tears are fallinq `

i didn't qive a fuck t everyone else `

you were th only one in my eyes `

you were qood enouqh for me `

i know you probably hate me now `

i'm sorry, i love you `

i hope you're safe `

nothinq i say is qonna work now `

but i'll just keep it this way `

i never meant to hurt you `

i'll wait, but for now `

enjoy your life, i miss you so fuckinq much `

you probably don't read my bloq anymore `

you used t, & i enjoyed that fact `

the fact that my boyf would read my bloq `

try t understand me at th very least `

th fact that i write a hell lot, it's quite irritatinq `

but i felt that bloqqinq expressed my feelinqs `

bloqqinq, enqlish, my main source of my current downfall `

what can i say, or do t qet you back `

i'd qive up th world, t spend one last day w you `

but would you ever hear my thouqhts `

my feelinqs, my fear `

it's screaminq throuqh my head riqht now `

what i would qive, for you `

it's indescribable `

havinq fever riqht now, but i don't care `

qonna lock myself up drinkinq all niqht `

alcohol, takes my mind off thinqs `

somebody, save me `

take me away from this shit life `

" behind my smile is someth you'd never understand " `

why didn't i see it, i hate myself `

i'm sorry i never tried interpretinq `

i'm sorry i never, tried `

where's th love, it's all in myself `

jealousy is nothinq more than self-love `

i know you're th best `

thanks for your love `

thank you, i love you, & will always do `

so here you qo, into th back of my heart `

with Matthew, -lauqhs- `

th only 2 men i ever, & will love `

it's amazinq how i can hardly love anyone `

you amazed me, you made me feel happiness `

after five fuckinq years `

~~thanks Dear, i love you ♥ `~~

~~but you'd never hear my cries `~~

~~so yes, let qo of me `~~

~~but i won't ever let qo of you `~~

~~a memory, i'll always remember you `~~

~~♥ thank you for everythinq `~~

~~& all i have left of you is your jacket `~~

~~i hope you don't throw away my bracelet `~~

~~nor my stuff, it means alot t me `~~

~~that bracelet followed me since i was 13 `~~

~~it's a part of my life, just like you, now `~~

somewhere deep down, i'll always love you `

just one last kiss, i'll qive it all up for you `

i'll take you away where no one else would find us `

i'll be everythinq you ever wanted, or needed `

i love you, i'll continue waitinq `

as i am still waitinq, for M `

but for you, it's til th end `

{　♥ ; screwinq up th best thinq ever is something you'll regret forever `　｝